Dear Reader, I write a lot of articles to you on healing, discovering self value, and learning the odd perspective. Although I believe in the values of love and light, you must be aware that we need the dark to understand what polar powers mean. Our strength lies in the union of many opposing powers.
So I teach what I have learned by sharing my methods of healing with you: Expressive Writing
To My Old Love Life,
I’ve never been good with introductions to a writing script. There are a lot of things in this world I am not good at. I don’t consider myself to be an intelligent woman; yet I know I’m not stupid, dense, nor dumb.
I am my own person, stubborn, and willing only to learn upon the terms of my own open-door capacity. This letter is all about me…and you. You’ve been on my mind recently. I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s because I miss you. I don’t think that’s why I am here, lost in my own letter.
Our relationship was doomed from the start. I was too eager to share my experiences with another person. Little did I know it’s because I didn’t know how to be by myself. Well I’ve mastered that art almost a year ago, and now I have many lessons in front of me to ponder on.
You taught me a lot of things. And for that I’ll forever be grateful. You even taught me significant lessons by exiting my life!
You taught me how to be practical. Before you, I was just a student of life with no real direction and no practical way to make one. By watching you, even in frequent moments when you beat yourself up so bad, I learned the art of self discipline, and the necessity behind it.
I learned to pay more attention, and research more too. I learned how to plan, to budget, and stress. But because of the overwhelming urge to control all things, I also learned, or relearned how to lose some control and how to dismiss expectations. Expectations will not always be met. If that were the case, we’d all be the same people, pursuing the same things. Self expectations are easier to meet, yet harder to commit to. At a certain point in our lives, we know what we deserve; yet how far, exactly are we willing to go to reach those expectations?
You’ve taught me the importance of community. At times with you, I felt so lonely. Your community was not my community. They were a group of humans I spent my energy and time with little to no significant impact on my future, goals, or lifestyle. I learned how much support, love, motivation, and change THE COMMUNITIES around me are willing and able to give and endure once I realized life is more than just people around me, taking up space and time in my schedule.
I learned how to be by myself. That is one of the greatest sensations of my quarter lifetime. I wouldn’t give that up for a million dollars. While I was by myself I learned to stop being so angry. I always wondered why I was surrounded by so many angry lovers, including yourself. Yes, it takes two to tango, but I know now I don’t deserve to be angry nor in an angry relationship.
You’ve taught me to stand my ground, and to value myself. We’re both very stubborn, dominating individuals. We argued and fought more than either of us would like to admit. You felt like less than a lover to me. I felt like less than human to you. I never felt fully supported by you. That’s why I always told you I didn’t need you. I felt like less than who I was being around you, especially being around a crowd of people who saw me exactly the way you pictured me, and not the me that I stand as.
I hope you treat your next lover a lot better than you treated me. She doesn’t deserve to carry the weight of your mistrust, nor of your anger, self-resentment, or coldness. She is a new being, wanting to carry love and guidance into your life. You better treat her like the queen you both know she is!
From these hard times, I learned how to build myself on the foundation, that which is me. I am learning to set boundaries, to find what I deserve. I am learning to express myself, and surround myself with those who are willing only to build me up, as I help them grow the same. I created my own queendom where I reign, and all are valued. I’m constantly correcting myself, improving the way I treat others, and Healing what still hurts. I heal others too! And I do a damn good job at it!
I eat better, I look better, and I drink more wine! My life isn’t perfect, but it’s growing like a tree; old, sturdy, and full of wisdom, with so much more to experience!
You taught me to look at things for the way that they are, rather than the way I want to see it, or how someone wants me to view it. When I look into someone’s face I no longer indulge in the facade that they created. I see their souls, intentions. I weed out the weak.
I once read in a notebook you wrote to yourself, that you weren’t afraid of the devil, but you did fear black magick. Sharing the same roof with me, you never understood that I don’t do black magick. Magick is neither white nor black, and I’ve never cast a curse on you. I’ve only ever prayed that you’d be kinder to me, or else. But with or without magick the ‘or else’ part is easy to assume.
I think about you often, not because I miss you. I think about you often because you were my greatest challenge. You challenged me in ways that have bent my identity, and unintentionally helped me see the sun in me. You pushed me to discomfort and isolation, that influenced me to later become so strong. Then you left, and came, back, left again, and boomeranged your way once again, until I realized I will never let another person have their own way with me. I’ve had enough, and I’d like my power back. So I took it back, and recreated it.
And here we are!
We were a problem together. But now we can be a solution for other people. I know this relationship was just as taxing on me as it was on you, but I’m willing to bet that you learned quite a few significant things about yourself.
I guess this letter was to thank you, for influencing me to do, and be better for myself. I’m much better off. I don’t need a reply or a call. I just wanted to speak my mind so that I can continue to build a better life… and find clarity for myself, and those willing to receive what I have to offer.
They say once you love someone, you never quite stop loving them.
So I am, and will always be a lover…and a student.
~Noni
Nonna 